I have made my Christmas list a long time ago. I wanted to have an Ipod Touch and I wanted to give my hubby the newest version of PSP. I want us to have matching Lacoste shirts for New Year. We've done our Christmas gift shopping for our families and friends.
However, I found myself very much disappointed yesterday, when my husband and I went to a clinic for my first prenatal ultrasound. It was scheduled yesterday, in time for my supposed 6th week so that we will be able to see where the spottings were coming from as well as check on the heartbeat of our baby. I felt really sad, disappointed and angry when the doctor said that she couldn't see anything. No gestational sac or anything. She asked me if I had spottings or cramps. I said yes. She is suspecting PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) or an ectopic pregnancy.
I immediately texted my OB about the result. She suggested I get a Serum Beta HCG test, which I did. She said it will rule out ectopic pregnancy. I was mortified. Ectopic pregnancy means the baby developed outside the uterus, and it means it should not develop there, in short, it should be removed. At 4:30PM, we have the HCG result. It was at 7.040 mIU/ml. Positive, based on the 0-5 non-pregnant reference range. I texted my OB and got no reply.
This morning, I was hoping to go to her clinic to finally get the answers. Am I having ectopic pregnancy? Is the baby just hiding or have we just miscalculated the AOG? Is there anything wrong with me? I am still waiting for her reply if she will hold clinic today, given that most doctors are already on a holiday.
Why am I scared? A lot of things. Scared that my first Christmas with my husband will be filled with horrifying memories, not something that I will want to look back on. Scared that I would need to go through another operation. I already had 2 this year, another one would mean total kamalasan. Scared that it would again deplete our just recovering financial funds. Scared that I might give up on trying to have another baby because of these bad things that keep on happening as if I did something bad to deserve these.
If there's anything I wanted this Christmas, it would be to have a healthy baby. To have a safe, healthy pregnancy. I don't see anything wrong with that. I have been deprived of the promotion I so worked hard for. I have lost my first baby. I believe this time I deserve to be happy. I believe I deserve to have a happy, peaceful Christmas. I do not want to celebrate Christmas anxious of what is going on inside my body, or what ordeal I have yet to face again.
I wish Santa could give me that...
However, I found myself very much disappointed yesterday, when my husband and I went to a clinic for my first prenatal ultrasound. It was scheduled yesterday, in time for my supposed 6th week so that we will be able to see where the spottings were coming from as well as check on the heartbeat of our baby. I felt really sad, disappointed and angry when the doctor said that she couldn't see anything. No gestational sac or anything. She asked me if I had spottings or cramps. I said yes. She is suspecting PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) or an ectopic pregnancy.
I immediately texted my OB about the result. She suggested I get a Serum Beta HCG test, which I did. She said it will rule out ectopic pregnancy. I was mortified. Ectopic pregnancy means the baby developed outside the uterus, and it means it should not develop there, in short, it should be removed. At 4:30PM, we have the HCG result. It was at 7.040 mIU/ml. Positive, based on the 0-5 non-pregnant reference range. I texted my OB and got no reply.
This morning, I was hoping to go to her clinic to finally get the answers. Am I having ectopic pregnancy? Is the baby just hiding or have we just miscalculated the AOG? Is there anything wrong with me? I am still waiting for her reply if she will hold clinic today, given that most doctors are already on a holiday.
Why am I scared? A lot of things. Scared that my first Christmas with my husband will be filled with horrifying memories, not something that I will want to look back on. Scared that I would need to go through another operation. I already had 2 this year, another one would mean total kamalasan. Scared that it would again deplete our just recovering financial funds. Scared that I might give up on trying to have another baby because of these bad things that keep on happening as if I did something bad to deserve these.
If there's anything I wanted this Christmas, it would be to have a healthy baby. To have a safe, healthy pregnancy. I don't see anything wrong with that. I have been deprived of the promotion I so worked hard for. I have lost my first baby. I believe this time I deserve to be happy. I believe I deserve to have a happy, peaceful Christmas. I do not want to celebrate Christmas anxious of what is going on inside my body, or what ordeal I have yet to face again.
I wish Santa could give me that...
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